'Dear Colin. Please chose someone with a high IQ, aged between thirty and forty. The most important thing is that you can trust them with your own bollocks.'

COLIN takes the cigarette lighter, and burns the note. DR TORY frowns. COLIN throws the note out the window.

There could only be one person that would fit that description. The person who had tested my testes on two occasions. Dr Terry. Or Dr Tory as we liked to call him, due to his rather blunt political affiliations.

COLIN and DR TORY step out the car. They are both dressed smartly. DR TORY is rummaging through a briefcase.

What are you looking for?

The right price chart. How much would you say this house is worth?

It's quite nice. Eighty grand.

This is a very affluent area Colin. Look at the view from here. Do you have no aesthetic appreciation? It's ninety five at least.

So you charge them more if they've got a nicer house?

Of course. A bit of price discrimination never hurt anybody. This is a free market economy boy, I am merely mopping up the consumer surplus of excess price elasticity.

And by the way there's only one of them ; the husband died a week ago.

DR TORY knocks on the door.

You should have brought flowers. You could have got into her will.

The door opens, and MRS NEVILLE, a dear old lady greets them.

Good afternoon Mrs Neville. I'm so very sorry to here about…Douglas.

Oh come on in Dr Terry, come in. Who's your friend?

This is Mr Smithers from the BMA. He's doing a routine inspection on my practising. Just to check that I'm not poisoning you, or overcharging you. Nothing too serious.

Pleased to meet you Mrs Neville. I'm so very sorry to hear about Doug.

I'm sorry for being such a miserable case. There's nothing interesting about a rambling old lady.

Oh, on the contrary. It will be a pleasure Mrs Neville. I love old ladies, and enjoy their company.

Oh, how lovely.

And may I say that you look and smell young and fresh like a field of poppies on a dewy spring morning.

How nice.

Mr Smithers will mainly be a silent observer. Of course you have the right to confidentiality, and if you prefer he can sit in the car.

No, that's quite alright he seems a charming man, come through into the front room. I'll just put the kettle on.

INT./FRONT ROOM/DAY

DR TORY and COLIN are both seated in armchairs.

Colin, I would greatly appreciate it if you left the talking to me. This is a stressful time for Mrs Neville

The thing is Mr Smithers that since Douglas died I've been thrown into a completely different new world. I'm back in the fast lane, on my own again, fending for myself. Dr Terry is a real blesser when it comes to sorting out the certificates, and all the other red tape. But the main reason I call him is for comforting conversation. It's not just my finances which are in a mess, my head is as well. I'm not really using Dr Terry for his medical skills, more his interpersonal skills.

I see. Well you couldn't pick a more understanding person.

The scene FADES OUT to black, and then FADES IN to the same scene, showing the lapse of time. DR TORY is slouched in the chair, COLIN is doodling on the pad.

You see, I sorted out the certificate, but I didn't really want to get into all that palaver with accounts and what have you. Douglas had always been a dab hand at doing the numbers. He laid everything out very periodically. And when I saw him lying on the pavement, his bag next to him I was....well....

Yes, Mrs Neville. You've lost not only a loving husband, but a fine accountant. But I think you should really take consolation in the fact that he didn't suffer, and he lived a life of happiness.

Yes, right up to the day he died. I'm sorry Mr Smithers I must be boring you.

A shot of Colin's notepad shows the heading 'DOUGLAS ADAMS' with a list of anagrams underneath. These include 'Dig, Dug, Village, Veal, Dog, Vile, Eel, Vegas VD, Glands, Ill, Slag.'

No, not at all. You need to let it Mrs Neville. Although Dr Terry can only comfort you with a healthy repertoire of clichés ; they are indeed the most apt things to say in such a situation.

DR TORY looks very annoyed.

When I was just a bog standard GP like Dr Terry I had to do this. There's no cure for when loved one dies, rather like there's no cure for a hangover. In a nutshell : dying sucks. It's a bitch.

I'll get some more digestives.

MRS NEVILLE leaves the room.

So what is it that you want? And it had better be bloody good.

I was wondering if me and some of my friends could borrow your car.

You've got to be kidding.

We'd like to borrow you as well.

That's impossible, I've got work booked up. It's out of the question.

It's a chance to earn a quick buck.

Yes, but is it a big buck? Because if it isn't ; forget it.

That rather depends on how much a brief case of cocaine is worth.

It depends ; a lot of money.

Well double that amount, and then divide it by five and that is the size of your buck.

Colin, are you trying to get me into some drug dealing scheme?

No, it's called a drug interception scheme. They're a new thing ; very big in America right now.

I don't like the sound of it.

It's easy. The dogs sell to the cats. They're too busy watching out for each other that we hold up both of them, and take the dogs' money and the cats' drugs. It also cracks down on the immoral drugs business. It's been carefully engineered by David Tremore of all people. It's an investment opportunity you can't miss. I came straight to you because although you're one greedy son of a bitch I trust you.

MRS NEVILLE returns with tea and biscuits.

I'm afraid we're going to have to skip the cup of tea Mrs Neville.

Oh?

Someone else's has just rung up. I'm afraid they've died.

Died?

Well they didn't ring up, but their husband did.

You should invite them round for coffee ; get to know them, talk about your husbands and what it was like to sleep in the bunkers during the war.

Quick FADE OUT

EXT./CAMBRIDGE GARDENS/NIGHT

MUSIC: Mozart - The overture from 'The Marriage of Figgaro'

FADE IN to a placid shot of the stars. The camera gradually pans down to a picturesque garden on a warm summers night. The sound of crickets can be heard in the background.

CAPTION : Cambridge, England - Three years earlier

Music continues to play over attractive scenes of the river and gardens. The occasional student passes by.

The great philosopher Plato once said, 'I think therefore I am'. Or was it Archimedes? I'm not sure, the guy was Greek though. Could have been some twat with a moustache from a kebab. All I know was that the guy was Greek.

The camera tracks over the famous colleges and finally comes to rest on a rooftop. Panning down we see the younger COLIN leaving an off-licence. It begins to pour with rain, but this does not prevent him from walking with a confident stride, while drinking from the bottle.

OPENING CREDITS

'I think, therefore I am'. 'Cogito ergo sum'.

A wealth of philosophers have spent their lives trying to find the meaning of life. It didn't take me long to realise that life, rather like a soap opera, has no meaning.

COLIN passes over a bridge and continues walking through the rain.

CUT TO

INT./CHINESE RESTAURANT/NIGHT

POLLOCK (18) is having a meal with his girlfriend VICKY. He has started an argument with the waiter about the quality of the meal.

No, I do not need a doctor. In this country just because we're sick it does not mean that we have dysentery. The reason I was sick is that you, and her (POINTS TO VICKI) forced me to drink what can only be described as dirty bath water.

Sir it is a great Chinese tradition. It does not make normal people sick.

What does that mean? Are you saying that I'm gay or something?

No sir, I am suggesting that perhaps you had too much of the wine.

Too much of the wine? Listen, there are various health and hygiene standards in this country, and they obviously differ to yours. Now get me the manager straight away.

Sir the manager is very busy.

I don't care if he's about to invade Cambodia. Get the commie bastard here now.

He is a Maf-ier person. How do you say it? Mafia?

Mafia?

Mafia yes. He is in one of those types of meetings.

In that case it's unimportant. I'll have to explain it to you.

Explain what sir?

The detrimental effect this incident will have on your business, life and standard of living.

Sir, I too am very busy.

Are you a member of the Mafia?

No sir.

Good then sit down. Here let me have your pen.

INT./OFFICE PARTY/NIGHT

MUSIC: Status Quo - Pictures of Matchstick Men

The young DAVID, dressed in a horrific lime green suit is being followed by a hand-held CAM. He is in the middle of a 'wild' party being held by his father's accountancy firm. He arrives at the wine table, and begins to search furiously.

Ah! There you are Mr Lambrussco.

He pours himself a very full glass, and then begins to mix with the crowd. He tries a bit of pathetic dancing, but eventually ends up in a 'middle-aged' conversation. The group consists of three accountants in matching suits, MR GRAY, MR GARFIELD and MR SMITH (who has just laughs).

That will be the day, when Alexico drops below seventeen. Talk about recycling tea bags.

The rest of the group hum and nod in agreement. There is a silence. DAVID decides to brave the floor.

How about this : Lincoln Lorry Leasers.

The men look on with intrigue

Red Lorry, Yellow Lorry, NO LORRY!

DAVID bursts into laughter.

They went bankrupt last Thursday. It was in the FT!

The whole group start laughing.

Very good, but try this one on for size. What do you call a donkey with three legs?

I know this one. A Wonky!

The whole group cracks up.

Okay, what do you call a deer with no eyes?

Go on.

I've no idea. A no eyed deer!

Drinks are spilt as the whole group cracks up.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, or legs?

What?

Still no idea

MR GRAY collapses on to the floor in hysterics, and a quick shot of David's trousers reveals a wet patch. Finally the group stops laughing.

Okay : what do you call someone with shares in Euro-Disney?

Do go on.

A right fucking moron!

There is a long embarrassing silence.

Er does anybody want some of this Lambrussco wine? It's nice and sweet. It effervesces too.

No thank you.

INT./CHINESE RESTAURANT/DAY

POLLOCK's lecturing continues. Vicky looks exhausted. A few customers look on with fascination. A napkin lies on the table, with some elaborate algebraic economic theory jotted on it.

Now pay attention. This is your demand curve. Me being sick is bad publicity, whatever you say about wine is arbitrary. I'm going to tell friends about my dinner and this incident. And I'll make it clear that I have a lot of friends. Consequently your demand curve will shift inwards. This means that unless you put prices up your revenue will fall.

We put up our prices then.

No, no, no. In the short term that will cover you but then people go 'stuff it we'll go somewhere else'.

Demand is elastic. Indian, Japanese, Mexican and most restaurants selling foreign crap are almost perfect substitutes. Consequently demand will fall further, as will revenue. And revenue minus costs equals....

Demand?

No, profit. I thought you lot understood this, I thought you were the tiger economy.

That's the Taiwanese Pollock.

All the same. Anyway if you're revenue is exceeded by costs you're going to make a loss. Which means you're boss is going to have to cut costs, until they're less than revenue. And how will he do that?

He will buy from a cheaper place. Such as Quick Save.

Maybe, but say that's not enough?

He will print the menu on tacky paper and not laminated card.

No, he's going to fire you, and reduce the cost of labour.

Fire me because you were sick?

POLLOCK nods.

What can I do?

Nothing ; you're fucked.

INT./HENRY'S BAR/NIGHT

MUSIC: Oasis - Live Forever

The action moves to a very busy bar, and is focused on DAMIAN, an annoying teenager with a slight lisp. The BARMAN is well built, and short tempered.

What Beers do you have on the tap?

Beers?

Yes, Beers. Fermented hop juice.

On the tap we have Holsten Export, Kronenbourg 1666, HSB Bitter, Guinness, Boddingtons and Stella Artois. We also have a wide selection of soft drinks.

What would you recommend?

I'd recommend a soft drink. Sprite for instance.

I really would prefer a pint of something.

I can give you a pint of Sprite if you want.

That's not what I mean.

You specifically want an alcoholic beverage?

No, it doesn't have to be alcoholic, as long as it's real beer.

Well you better show me some proof of age quickly.

DAMIAN throws a card on the counter. The BARMAN inspects it. A close-up of a very suspect 'Student Union' card, covered with cellotape. The photo looks particularly comical. When the BARMAN holds it up to the light, a 'Cornflakes' logo shines through.

A Sprite then?

Can you make it into a Shandy?

If you don't mind having a fluorescent Shandy.

As long as it looks real.

EXT./HIGH STREET/NIGHT

The music of the previous scene still plays in the background. DAVID has left the party and is now starring through a shop window. There is a close-up of his drooling face.

Oh David you filthy pervert. How can you satisfy short term lust after alcohol with this cheap peep show you engage in? I would give the world for you. Everything I own for one night of pleasure. To run my fingers across you. If you were mine I would look after you for ever and ever.

Cut to shot of computer in shop window.

Built in quad-speed CD ROM drive as well! Oh what more could one possibly want. With such visual pleasures as this, and the social intercourse of my accountant friends I am spoilt. Who needs intercourse of the sexual kind when you have this baby?

The reflection of a pretty blonde girl, HOLLY, appears in the window.

I am severely intoxicated.

HOLLY rests her hand on his shoulder.

But the effect is highly realistic.

That's an impressive computer. An Olivetti Pentium Processor if I'm not mistaken.

Bloody hell! She's not in my imagination. Or is she? Perhaps she'll go away.

Do you have a computer?

Oh shit!

EXT./HENRY'S BAR/NIGHT

The action returns to the bar. STEVE, POLLOCK and VICKY are seated round a table. STEVE, as usual is in deep thought.

That's bollocks. There can never be a pure ten. Sandra Bullock could well be a nine, even a nine point five. But you've a better chance of finding a pure capitalist society than a perfect ten. Even Switzerland has a navy. It's asymptotic through breeding ; they keep getting better and better as time goes on, but at a decreasing rate. One day perhaps years from now they'll be nine point nine, nine, six, and she'll have to be stuffed or something. But they'll never hit ten, it's impossible to wipe out all minor imperfections. Just genetically impossible. Personally I think you're lucky if you cite a nine point six in your lifetime.

What am I?

Well I'm going to be very straight with you. You're a friend, but just because you're going out with Pollock, and he's sitting here,
it doesn't mean I'm going to flatter you.

Well?

You're six point seven. And that's being conservative, if a little subjective. I can only think of one nine I know : Kirsty Beckham.

You're a fucker, you know that.

EXT./HIGH STREET/NIGHT

HOLLY is trying to seduce the nervous DAVID.

So David, is there somewhere you can take me to teach me about computers?

That is an excuse. I am going to get pulled, and what a cracker. She'll have to sign something of course.

A photo will be necessary.

What?

Sorry. We can go to my dad's office, he's got a 486 DX. I've got the keys somewhere.

Oi Holly you whore!

I see you're a prostitute. Well I'm afraid I've only got seventy pee, and I doubt very much that's enough.

David, I want you to teach me computers. I will pay you for this in my own special way.

Well that's a stroke of luck, because I am a Christian. This way then.

The CAMERA draws back, and we rejoin COLIN walking in the rain. His voice over begins to explain his anger.

It was all Damian's fault. The Shandy-drinking gimp. His own brother had sympathised with him after another blow out from Kirsty. But straight afterwards he had picked up the phone and told me where to find him. It would be a simple show of power, no need for violence. Well not much. Just to keep the little bastard well away from Kirsty, who was legally still mine. However, rather in the same way you can never predict a football score, something has to diverge from the initial plan, and God will be laughing at you. Life would cease to exist without these little scenarios. We'd die of boredom, and there would be no such thing as speculation, consequently the world economy would collapse. But on this one occasion I thought everything would be okay. I thought I was a thoroughbred with an outboard engine racing against a greyhound with a septic leg and a phobia of rabbits.

INT./HENRY'S BAR/NIGHT

DAMIAN has joined the group at the table.

Let me tell you that I am on such an apex.

Is that why you're drinking Shandy?

Exactly. The increased carbohydrate level allows me to maintain this mental insulin and keeps me on this high. And man, do I not want to loose this high.

So why the good mood?

I caught a huge fi...Perch. Won a hundred quid in the fishing competition. It weighed nearly eight pounds.

How much is that in Kilograms. I'm a metric-kid.

About fifty.

That much?

That must have been one big fish.

Almost as big as your last girlfriend!

POLLOCK and STEVE laugh a lot. VICKY joins in.

It's the weather you see, the sun causes the fish to grow more. A bit like photosynthesis.

COLIN enters through the front door, and goes up to the bar.

Evening Andy.

Nice to see you Colin. Five for the price of four on all Real Ales tonight.

Okay, give me ten.

The world going to end tonight?

Not for me Andy, not for me.

COLIN turns to the girl on a stall next to him.

Hi, do you want a shag?

No thanks.

Right, fair enough.

COLIN takes his tray of beers and stutters across the bar, looking for somebody to talk to. DAMIAN notices him.

No,…oh fuck!

DAMIAN dives under the table.

What is it?

It's Colin.

Clotman? Jolly good. What are you doing under the table.

He's going to kill me!

No he won't.

Why should he kill you?

Because of me and Kirsty.

What about you and Kirsty?

I'm sort of seeing her.

Kirsty 'nine out of ten' Beckham? You're not.

Sort of.

Kirsty 'going out with Colin' Beckham.

Mmm.

You're dead.

Yes, you're dead.

Pollock!

I'm just giving him honest facts. He should stand up to Colin.

You have to be honest. Kirsty is Clotman's bird.

Kirsty is not a bird, and she does not belong to Colin.

If there are two things which annoy me about women its firstly the way they stick up for each other, and secondly how they are all innocent pacifists. Women use there bodies, men use their fists.

Do you think I should leave now?

Leave now? He'll follow you out the door. Remember there's a river outside, and it's cold.

I'm not seeing Kirsty. Forget everything I just said.

I don't think that will help. Look how he's dressed, he's even wearing glasses. He looks the model psychopath.

Brief shot of COLIN talking to a woman.

Pollock, stop teasing Damian. Clotman's your friend, and if he is going to cause trouble it is your duty to talk him out of it.

Vicky, don't get involved.

He tries to kiss her, she turns away.

I've got a brilliant idea.

DAMIAN crawls out from under the table.

INT./KIRSTY'S DRAWING ROOM/NIGHT

MUSIC: Rachmaninov - Theme of Paganini

The attractive young KIRSTY is playing a grand piano very professionally. She makes an error and stops. She is near to tears, due to her not being able to finish the piece. Eventually she gets up, leaves the room, and returns with her hair put back. She begins playing, and the music goes very well.

The scene DISSOLVES INTO:

EXT./FOOTAGE OF THE SARENGETTI/DAY

A panoramic shot of wildebeest galloping across the African plans. This powerful image is synchronised with the music, conjuring up a strong impression of natural beauty.

A telephone begins to ring over the top.

The music gradually goes wrong as KIRSTY makes a mistake. A lion comes into the shot and mauls one of the wildebeest. After several discords of frustration, there is silence.

INT./KIRSTY'S DRAWING ROOM/NIGHT and

INT./HENRY'S BAR/NIGHT

KIRSTY slams the piano lid in a temper, and answers the phone. The conversation switches between locations.

Nine, two, four, six, nine, one. Yes?

Hello Kirsty. It's me.

Damian!

Something the matter?

I was just about to crack the Theme of Pagnini when some fucker rang me up.

Oh bummer. Who was that?

Don't worry. What do you want?

Er, nothing.

Nothing?

I caught a fiscke today Kirsty

A what?

A fiscke.

Oh a fish.

She presses a key on the piano

What was that noise?

The piano

Come down Henry's this evening

Who else is going?

Pollock, Steve, Vicky and me.

No thanks Damian. I've got to learn this piece.

Okay, bye.

DAMIAN hangs up

Fucker!

Shit!

POLLOCK taps DAMIAN on the shoulder.

Okay, we're going to the beer garden. This way you can depart, while I distract Colin.

Brilliant idea. That's so kind of you Pollock. You're a good mate.

I'm only doing this because Vicky told me to.

Well, thank you all the same.

COLIN arrives at STEVE'S the table with two jugs of beer.

Sitting alone are we?

Clotman!

Look, I've got some beer.

Bloody brilliant. Pollock, Vicky and Shortarse were here a minute ago, but they went outside.

Why's that?

Shorthouse reckoned you were going to beat him up.

COLIN raises his eyebrows

Well obviously you have to. He's been fucking with you, and he knows it. You'd be a fool not to. Cigarette?

You know I don't.

Nor do I really, they were just on a special offer.

INT./OFFICE/NIGHT

DAVID and HOLLY are seated around a computer in David's father's office. DAVID is droning on, and HOLLY is bored.

So, the RAM, Random Access Memory, is what the computer can hold at any one particular time, while the ROM is a completely different acronym ; Read Only Memory. For example CD-ROM being files which can only be read off a Compact Disc. Alternatively a HD three point five, or floppy, can be read and record onto, but the capacity is significantly less. A CD will store up to 600% more. EMS and XMS are types of extended memory and you don't need to know about them because it's well, a bit boring. So we've covered processors, chips, Intel's, clocks, matrix programmes, cell framework, and how to bit-map tagged files. Are you sure you're familiar with all of those subjects? I can go over them in more detail if you want.

David I have something to tell you.

Yes, and I think I know what. I said Intel's rather than Pentium's. I had a good reason for doing this.

I don't like computers David. I think they're boring. I didn't want you to teach me them really.

Then why did you come with me?

I'm a kleptomaniac.

You can't stop stealing?

Sorry, nymphomaniac.

You mean you can't stop…

Yeah.

Oh.

HOLLY moves closer to DAVID, trying to kiss him.

No, let's look at this spreadsheet I've got.

Sod the spreadsheet.

She switches the computer off, and begins to undo DAVID'S shirt.

No! No! Stop! No! I'm not ready. I've only recently acquired the videos.

CUT TO:

INT./HENRY'S BAR/NIGHT

POLLOCK comes up to STEVE and COLIN'S table.

I'll keep him in the garden. But I want something in return.

You name it. Anything bar a blow job.

POLLOCK whispers in COLIN'S ear, and then leaves.

You haven't got any lubbers have you Steve?

No I've run out. Too much shagging mate.

INT./OFFICE/NIGHT

DAVID lies asleep on the computer keyboard, a bottle of Vodka in his hand. HOLLY and the MAN ACROSS THE STREET are stealing all the office equipment, and loading it into a waiting van. Just about to leave, HOLLY checks the office.

HOLLY takes the bottle out of DAVID'S hand, has a swig, and then lifts DAVID'S head up, taking the keyboard from underneath. She then lets go of DAVID'S head.

INT./HENRY'S BAR'S TOILETS/NIGHT

MUSIC: Ma Ma's and the Pa Pa's - California Dreaming

COLIN is standing in the restroom, in front of the machine. He is just about to put a coin in when the door opens. He pretends to be adjusting his hair in the adjacent mirror. Keeping up the act, he washes his hands, and accidentally drops the pound coin down the plug-hole.

Fuck!

When the other visitor leaves, COLIN searches his pockets. There are no further coins. The fire extinguisher grabs his attention. He takes it off the wall, looks around, and then charges at the machine. Nothing happens. On a second attempt several packets fall out. COLIN pockets them and leaves.

Two MEN enter the room, and go over to the urinals. The machine suddenly crashes to the floor, and both men moan as they are jogged. One of them looks down at their spoilt trousers.

And you know the sad thing is, that

I was sure to pull tonight.

EXT./HENRY'S BEER GARDEN/NIGHT

The garden takes the form of a wooden riverside Jetty, with three or four picnic tables. POLLOCK, DAMIAN and VICKY are sitting at one. COLIN staggers towards them, laden with one jug. DAMIAN stares at POLLOCK. POLLOCK shrugs.

Hi Vicky!

COLIN gives VICKY a kiss on the cheek.

Evening Colin

Pollock!

COLIN gives POLLOCK a friendly kiss on the cheek.

Damian, Damo, Dameboy, Dickie, Damo, Shortarse, Damo! How are you?

Pissed are we?

I am neither pissed or not pissed.

I didn't think pissed was a comparative verb.

What?

Your typical iwwesponsible self.

iwwesponsible? I don't know what that word means. But yeah I've had a few jars. But you've got to, haven't you? Anyway let me get you lot some drinks. That's er, Ale isn't it Vicky?

Yeah.

COLIN just about manages to pour two pints from his jug.

One for Pollock. And what about you Shortarse?

I'll have a beer as well.

Yeah but what's that? It's glowing in the dark.

It's a type of liqueur.

In a pint glass? It looks like Sprite to me.

It's a liqueur.

Okay mate, I believe you. I'll buy you another.

COLIN leaves for the bar.

You dick Damian!

What?

Why did you call him irresponsible?

It's okay. He's drunk, he can't hurt me. I know how to defend myself against a drunkard.

But what need is there for violence?

Unless it involves Iraq or Argentina.

It will impress Kirsty.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Pollock's right, violence won't impress Kirsty. Besides he's much bigger than you, and as far as you know he's drinking Shandy.

Shandy?

Yeah it's a crap male trick. They drink pint after pint of Shandy in the hope that people think they're drunk and harmless.

Then wham! But I doubt Colin would drink Shandy. Either way you're going to get beat. You just reversed all my peace negotiations by calling him irresponsible.

Yeah, but I didn't mean it. It was a joke.

There won't be a problem ; he's just bought you a drink.

You've never seen a film with Robert De Niro in Vicky?

I'm stuck ; Steve's on the gate.

A quick, suggested shot of STEVE being sick into the river.

You do insist on getting yourself into these sticky situations though, don't you?

The worried-looking DAMIAN leans over to the next table, where he has spotted a man with a mobile phone.

Excuse me, can I borrow your phone? I'll give you twenty pounds of gift vouchers, redeemable at any popular fishing equipment outlet.

INT./KIRSTY'S STUDY/NIGHT and

EXT./HENRY'S BAR'S/GARDEN

KIRSTY answers the phone. The action again switches between the two locations.

Hello?

Hi Kirsty. It's me again.

Damian?

Yeah. Look are you sure you don't want to come out?

Yes, I am sure. I'm in bed.

It's just that I'm at Henry's and I think Colin's going to try and beat me up. I don't 'spose you could tell him not to, before he gets hurt.

Er, yeah. Put him on.

He's buying me a drink right now.

He's buying you a drink?

Yeah, but he's going to beat me up, try and beat me up, in a minute.

Well when he does, ring back.

That might be too late. I know, ring me back in two minutes. The number's 0973 343677

Do I have to?

Please Kirsty. I love you. Bye.

Oh god.

INT./HENRY'S BAR/NIGHT

COLIN is buying DAMIAN a drink.

Okay. This is a minty liqueur, topped off with aniseed and Sprite.

That's great. And can you just give it a bit of burn?

Vodka would be nice.

No, I was thinking of something a little stronger.

ANDY looks beneath the bar.

Paint stripper?

Why not. He won't taste it will he?

ANDY tops up the glass from a canister.

No. He might smell something out of place, but only if he knows his spirits well.

Right, how much is that?

One pound forty eight.

Thanks for that Andy. I won't charge you for the paint-stripper.

COLIN picks up the glass, and begins to leave. He turns.

Oh Andy. It er won't kill him, will it?

Nah. He'll puke for a week though.

That's fine.

EXT./HENRY'S BAR'S BEER GARDEN/NIGHT

One aniseed mint liqueur with vodka and sprite for Damo.

Thanks.

That looks nice. Can I have a sip?

Sure.

VICKY has a little sip. COLIN looks worried.

Mmm. You can taste the vodka.

Smells like there's a bit too much aniseed.

Well I'll have it if you want.

Okay, let's swap.

The telephone begins to ring. COLIN whispers to POLLOCK.

You might want to order a few extra pints of milk in the morning.

You've got a rubber then?

Yeah, but that's not exactly what I mean.

The owner of the phone is about to answer the phone.

Don't answer it!

The drink

The what?

COLIN points at the drink, and shakes his head.

I see. You don't think she should have anymore. Well I can sort that out. She's not looking.

POLLOCK picks up the glass and downs the liqueur. COLIN shakes his head in despair. The telephone continues to ring, unanswered.

DAMIAN turns round to face COLIN.

Look I'm sick of your fucking verbal fencing. You've pushed your bloody luck too far you gay twat-faced arse.

I beg your pardon?

How dare you whisper about me? You are the biggest fuck arse fanny I've ever fucking met in my entire fucking life. You Fuck face.

Fuck me!

VICKY flinches. The phone continues to ring.

Look is somebody going to answer this phone?

DAMIAN is still staring the confused COLIN in the face.

Yeah, I'll answer it.

DAMIAN suddenly throws an unexpected punch at COLIN'S face. COLIN is knocked off the bench, and on to the floor. Everybody stares in amazement.

The phone please.

It's stopped ringing.

It's what?

COLIN pulls himself up, and stands above DAMIAN. He brushes himself off.

Stopped ringing

You little wanker. You didn't even let me take my glasses off.

There's been a misunderstanding. I can explain.

No you can't.

You're right I can't.

COLIN hands his glasses to POLLOCK. He then picks DAMIAN up by the collar, and tosses him onto the table. Several glasses are broken.

Is this absolutely necessary?

I think you'll find it is.

COLIN holds him by the neck, on the table.

First I'm going to wash that disgusting hair of yours.

He picks up a jug and tips its contents on to DAMIAN'S face.

I'm sorry!

COLIN raises a fist.

This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me.

The telephone starts ringing again.

Oh shit. Just when it was getting good.

Shall I answer it?

Yeah, quickly!

Hello?

Game over Colin. Prepare to get dumped.

Hi Jane, how are you doing?

Get off the line. Kirsty won't be able to get through!

Excuse me Jane. (To Damian) Shut it sprat!

Have you ever heard of the petrol pumps?

Yeah, I have and I enjoy them.

Good.

COLIN sits on top of DAMIAN and puts his knees on each of DAMAIN'S biceps. He then proceeds in 'pumping' DAMIAN'S arm up and down. DAMIAN screams loudly.

Inside THE BARMAN and ANDY THE BARMAN look on smiling.

That's my boy.

The PHONE MAN replaces the telephone on the table.

I'm off the phone. Wow, where did you learn that form of torture?

Stop him Pollock!

Stop it Colin.

So we're waiting for the phone?

COLIN picks up the mobile telephone

Is it insured?

Yeah, it came with a free two year cover.

COLIN throws it to the river

But still, there's no need to do that.

The telephone lands short, on the edge of a jetty. DAMIAN breaks free, and runs for the phone. COLIN pursues him.

Excuse me, I think I'm going to have a word with Steve. I don't feel too good.

POLLOCK walks to where STEVE is sitting on the waters edge. They both look queasy. In the background COLIN is chasing DAMIAN across the garden.

I think that liqueur rather disagreed with me.

Well mind the Swans; they're a protected species. Hey what's going on over there?

Clotman's chasing Shortarse.

Further along the bank DAMIAN is about to pick up the mobile phone. COLIN does a diving tackle, and they both fly into the river. The phone on the jetty begins to ring. COLIN emerges from underwater, and grabs the phone. He takes the phone call in the river

Hello?.......Kirsty! This is a nice surprise. I'm fine. And it's so nice to hear your voice. Such a warm little voice. Look, how about we go out tomorrow night, for a meal?

PAUSE

Oh, I'd rather go out for a meal.

PAUSE

That's not true.

COLIN'S facial gestures indicate he is getting a good telling off. Eventually the caller hangs up. COLIN starts to climb out.

That time of the month, I guess.

COLIN turns round to find a chair smash against his face. There is an instant black-out.

Poor Pollock and Vicky were to busy being sick to help me, let alone have sex. It wasn't until 3AM that I was awoken. I know it was 3AM, because the watch on my wrist said that. Not my watch though. Not my five hundred pound Omega.

FADE IN from black to the same scene, much later. There is a close-up of HOLLY staring into the camera. COLIN is lying washed out on the jetty. HOLLY is leaning over COLIN.

I know this may sound stupid, but is this heaven?

No, this is Cambridge. It is however a centre of academic excellence.

COLIN checks the time. He has a 'Mickey Mouse' watch on his wrist.

What's this? Where's my watch?

HOLLY shrugs. COLIN takes the watch off, stamps on it, and throws it in the river.

Are you okay?

I've got a headache. Let me check my wallet.

COLIN opens his wallet. It is stuffed with packets of condoms, which fall everywhere. HOLLY laughs.

I er, have a lot of sex.

Anything missing?

Yeah ten quid. I've been robbed. Robbed and assaulted by a gimp in the same night. How embarrassing.

COLIN lies back on the bank.

It's a Wonderful night.

No, it is not a wonderful night. It sucks. It is the most shitty night of my entire life.

I meant the stars.

Oh.

HOLLY lies next to COLIN, and rests her head on her hand.

Is there anything I can do to help you?

Not unless you happen to be particularly promiscuous, or prostitute who charges less than fifty eight pee.

INT./STEVE'S BEDROOM/DAY

STEVE'S bedroom is well furnished. It contains a double bed and French Windows, which are open, letting in the morning sun. STEVE and LINDA are lying in bed. LINDA is half-reading the newspaper, and half listening to STEVE being philosophical.

CAPTION: Oxford - Present Day

Well, I'm an honest guy, and I'll admit that I don't understand. I've never been able to see the meaning ; I suppose we have to make our own individual meanings. But of course we do exist, and we are thinking machines. This goes back to Aristotle's 'I think, therefore I am'.

It was Descartes.

Yeah, that's the one, Descartes. Des-car-tes. Important. What does it mean? 'I think I am Greek, therefore I am Greek, or may as well be Greek'. Or is it really trying to say that the human ability of being able to think, and entertain notions, is proof in itself of our existence. Because if it is ; that's bollocks. If there was a slight chance, and I mean slight ; because it's odds on that we do exist, that we didn't exist, how could we ask that question in the first place?

LINDA looks worried about STEVE.

I'd like to see Mr Tzatziki weave his way out of that one.

Isn't that the observation that the quote makes?

Maybe, but it's bollocks. I mean it's like saying 'I have legs, therefore I walk'. Complete and utter fucking bollocks.

LINDA shakes her head, and the discussion fades out, and continues in mute, as COLIN'S voice-over fills us in.

Steve had a way with women, but they usually saw through him the next morning. About the same time started talking that Descartes shit. It soon became obvious that he wasn't doing PPE at Pembroke, but in fact some super GNVQ type thing at the technical college. We shared an apartment together, along with a healthy taste in subjectivity, alcoholism, bad manners and the Star Wars trilogy. He insisted in making what he called 'high-class totty kills'. When they came off, it was my human duty to vacate the house. It was on one of those nights, when Steve had pulled the phone out, and David decided to make the call which would change the history of the universe.

The conversation between STEVE and LINDA continues.

Then there's Plato. From his name derives the term…

COLIN bursts through the door. LINDA screams

You unplugged the phone!

Who's that?

Er, this is Clotman. Clotman meet Linda. She's reading English at Somerville, her Dad's a solicitor, mum's a shrink and her brother plays Rugby for England A.

Nice one. Pleased to meet you Linda.

Clotman cleans the house, and stuff. He's just come to take the breakfast order. Cornflakes for me.

Where do you get your money from?

I'm a bit of a dab hand at the old stock exchange. I've got footsies coming out my fingers.

You play the stock exchange?

Between lectures. I use that phone. Like that bloke who facked up the economy after the war.

CLOSE-UP of 'Star Wars' phone.

Keynes? [Canes]

No, Keynes. [Keens]

COLIN slaps his forehead.

Your fancy phone downstairs says that it rang thirty times last night. Twenty-nine calls from the same number.

Who was that? Alison?

No, David Tremore. We need to get to Cambridge quickly.

STEVE gets out of bed and starts dressing.

I've been waiting for this call for nine years. Who was the other one from?

The polytechnic. Your media studies essay is missing.

There is silence. COLIN, leans over and takes part of the paper, he then leaves.

Actually, I think Descartes was French.

INT./DEPARTMENT STORE/DAY

KIRSTY and POLLOCK are ploughing their way through a department store. They head up the escalator.

This floor: Lighting, furniture, night-wear and underwear.

Do we have time?

Yep, we have all the time in the world.

So when did David ring you?

Last night, during the award-winning Wildlife on One.

Oh, good?

KIRSTY is examining the underwear

Yeah, do you know how big an Elephant's...

I don't care Pollock. Black or White.

No grey.

The underwear you pervert. You don't get grey bras.

I didn't think you'd have worn black since, er Colin.

And you think the fact that he only speaks to girls in black bras is going to stop me from ever wearing one again?

It would if you were shy and vulnerable, and it was your desire for him never to speak to you again.

Yeah, well I'm not shy and vulnerable.

Then again by wearing black you would be making the pathetic statement of trying to prove you were not shy and vulnerable. Which of course implies some degree of possibility that you were. Shy and vulnerable, that is.

Which one do you think looks best?

Tough one that. I'd really need to see them on you.

KIRSTY stares at POLLOCK. POLLOCK holds a bra up against KIRSTY, and goes into deep thought.

So, why did Colin prefer black?

Because he was sick.

I thought it was an ironic twist on the purity of white, which had lead to him seeing black as a more ideologically compatible and conservative colour.

No, it's because he was sick.

I'm sick Kirsty, and you like me.

Yeah, but there's sick and there's sick. You're sick because you think that a programme on Elephants humping is funny. That is simple childish behaviour. You'll grow out of it sooner or later. Colin was sick because he thought that bras were a type of art.

They are! They're up there with opera, Shakespeare and sculptor. Have you ever contemplated how much more tasteful Rodin's Kiss would have been if the wench was wearing a black piece from Gucci? You mathematicians could never grasp the concept art.

What about Leonardo?

How about we get a sandwich.

POLLOCK and KIRSTY walk off towards the till.

Pollock was my good friend. I loved him more than a packet of quavers after a month of Tescos ready salted. Kirsty on the other hand was like a packet of Kettle chips…

INT./PRESENT DAY HENRY'S BAR/DAY

The voice-over gradually becomes a present tense conversation between COLIN and DR TURNER, a professor. It takes place at the bar of a modern, much emptier, Henry's Bar. They are both drinking heavily.

Nice, but expensive. By the time I had completed my little tour of the colleges I needed to sit down and have a swift pint.

You don't get as many students in here anymore. They go for the more alternative approach, all trying to be different from the norm ; anything to attract attention. What they don't understand is that their alternative becomes so popular it metamorphosis into the norm.

It inverses.

Exactly. Like a great big wheel rolling in the same old shite..

And the music! Heavily influenced by the Stones, and of course Lennon.

Lenin?

Yeah him too.

But one would have thought that if they were to plagiarise they could at least get it right. It's like a musical version of Chinese whispers, coming out all mumbo jumbo. And all these fancy names : Nirvana, Oasis, Pearl Jam. Trying to implicitly impress the naive with subtle semiotics.

Prodigy.

Retard more like. Another drink?

Cheers.

Another Lager and Ale here please.

The youth of today, hooked on lager. What happened to traditional British ale?

The youth of today couldn't hold a British Ale, let alone drink it. The youth of today are hooked on their hippie 'marriage Gawana', which they wash down with euro-fizz. It's like a fun-sized sixties ; but the Beatles aren't as good.

I'll tell you what makes me want to emigrate. It's the diet culture. Diet Coke, low fat yoghurt, now even sugar-free Muesli. Does this mean that its possible to die from eating regular muesli? Because if I'm going to eat any kind of dried up bird shit it had better be healthy. Next it will be diet Beer and diet drugs.

Drugs aren't what they used to be. I remember when the only people who took them were the bloody stupid or completely hard. Now every self-righteous law abiding arse-licker has the occasional joint.

So, how old are you? Do you not represent the youth of today?

Twenty. I abstained from the youth of today, yesterday.

When Kirsty dumped you?

INT./SANDWICH BAR/DAY

POLLOCK and KIRSTY are finishing lunch.

You aren't seeing anyone at the moment, are you?

No, Quantum Mathematics doesn't leave much time for love.

Still, there must be some time for the odd bit of casual sex?

I don't believe in withdrawing cash if I don't have the money in my account.

I think us blokes use a different bank.

No, you blokes use Barclaycards, but don't ever pay them off.

You know your problem. You're too cynical for your own good.

Let's have a drink.

POLLOCK bangs his knife on the glass to attract attention. The glass smashes.

Oh dear.

Don't worry. Let's go elsewhere.

POLLOCK puts the broken glass in his pocket.

What do you think David's amazing idea is?

Something to do with shares, I'm sure.

INT./HENRY'S BAR/DAY

COLIN picks up a beer mat, and takes out a pen.

Let's have that number. Then we can get in touch.

873241

COLIN turns the mat over to write on the reverse. He discovers the design is printed on both sides.

Excuse me miss. Do you have any mats without this shit on both sides?

The BARMAID hands COLIN a piece of paper. DR TURNER gets up, staggers, and puts his arm round COLIN.

Well I'm sure with people like you and me around, there's a chance that the Great will stay in Britain.

Here, here. However insignificant the 'great' is.

A token gesture is better than nothing.

What did I want this for?

A phone number.

Oh yeah. You're clever. You should go to the university.

I do.

It's eight, seven…

CUT TO the other end of the bar

POLLOCK and KIRSTY are just finishing a drink.

I'm sorry, but I just don't feel like coming.

I'll tell them, but remember we're committed to carrying out the pact.

KIRSTY nods. POLLOCK smiles and then leaves. DR TURNER opens the door for him on the way out.

COLIN, now alone, looks around and sips his drink. He turns to the girl on the next stool.

I don't normally come to bars and sulk. It's just that I've got to confront an old enemy. Well, friend actually. And I don't know what to do.

COLIN turns back, and sips his drink.

Use the force.

COLIN turns back intrigued.

You mean, like on Star Wars?

That's right.

You like Star Wars?

Yeah.

Hello, I'm Colin. What's your name?

Clare.

That's nice. Why are you here?

Same reason as you.

What, sulking over an old girlfriend, and after a quick shag to take your mind off it?

Yeah.

Great! Let me buy you a drink. Then we can go to my hotel room.

No, I don't think you understand. Our reasons are identical.

What, do you not fancy me or something? I understand.

No. It's because like you, I'm sulking over a girlfriend, and trying to pick a girl up.

There is an exceptionally long pause, and unique expression from COLIN'S face. He then finishes his drink.

Well perhaps you'd like to buy me a drink then?

The girl gets up and leaves. COLIN laughs and throws a ten pound note on the counter.

A double Jack Daniel's, no ice, and whatever you're having.

The BARMAID gets the order, and a beer for herself. She leans over towards COLIN.

You didn't have much luck with her. What makes you think you can do any better with me?

I'm not a Dutch boy.

I beg your pardon?

What did the little Dutch boy do?

He put his finger in the dyke.

Thank you.

So what makes you think that I'm not?

I read psychology at Oxford. I know how to spot one a mile off. I just get satisfaction out of proving it.

What makes you think that I don't have a boyfriend?

I don't know. What makes you keep asking rhetorical questions?

The BARMAID walks away shaking her head. COLIN laughs with the CUSTOMER.

MUSIC: Dorothy More - Misty Blue

That's more like it. Pure blues in dolby surround. None of that MTV shit.

The BARMAID returns.

I'm off in half an hour. But there's a brunette in the corner who keeps looking your way.

COLIN leans across to the BARMAID, and reads her name badge.

She's going to have to be some brunette to take my attention away from you Siob, Siob-e-Ann?

Siobhan.

COLIN turns round and sees KIRSTY.

Fuck!

That good?

EXT./HOTEL FORECOURT/DAY

MUSIC: The Rolling Stones - Honky Tonk Woman

An open-top sports car (MX5/MGF) is being driven by a well dressed young man. He dons black shades, and matching designer leather jacket. The car pulls up in front of the hotel. The driver throws the keys to the attendant, trots up the steps, and into the hotel. The camera follows him into the restaurant, where POLLOCK and STEVE are dining. POLLOCK looks up at the visitor.

Yes?

The visitor removes his shades, to reveal a much better looking DAVID.

David?

How are we all doing? Ready to fuck society for all it's worth?

The years have been kind, David.

DAVID takes a seat.

More than kind, they've been over generous.

Your head's still shaped like a lemon.

Where're Colin and Kirsty?

They're around. They're both still in ; they're just…

Avoiding each other.

They've been doing that too long. Where can we find them?

Colin will be at Henry's ; drunk no doubt.

I hope not.

Why?

Because that's where I left Kirsty.

INT./HENRY'S BAR/DAY

The BARMAID approaches COLIN.

She wants to buy you a drink, Colin.

How many have I had?

Five rounds and a double shot. But you looked out of it, when you came in.

I must be careful. Make it another JD, but just a single, and with quite a bit of ice.

I've got some cold tea if you want?

No need to be that careful.

COLIN gets up and slowly walks over to where KIRSTY is at the other end of the bar. KIRSTY smiles at COLIN. COLIN manages to sit down.

Hello.

Hi.

I haven't counted, but I know it's been a few years.

You're looking good.

Thank you. You're good looking too.

Good looking?

No, sorry, you're not.

Am I ugly then?

No you're…

Do you think I'm gorgeous?

Gorgeous isn't quite the right word. I find little puppies, babies and Kate Moss gorgeous.

I see.

There's something you should know. Then plan is, well…

What? Dangerous?

Yeah, and a bit illegal.

Well everything will be fine, providing we don't fuck it up.

That's what I like about you Kirsty. You don't think twice.

Procrastination never got anybody anywhere.

No, but isn't that what the word means?

INT./HOTEL RESTAURANT/DAY

STEVE and POLLOCK are arguing over the table. DAVID lays slouched in his chair, embarrassed by the verbal tennis match.

That is bollocks. That is completely pants.

No you don't understand.

I do understand. I know everything me. I've read Das Kapital.

So have I.

All five parts?

Yeah

Well that's bollocks, because there're only three.

Oh, I must be thinking of Lord of the Rings or something.

Never mind anyway, it's all bollocks.

Bollocks? I thought the man was a genius or something.

For identifying the problems of a capitalist society, and a free market economy?

Yeah.

He was like someone getting up in the middle of a war and saying 'hang on a minute lads someone's going to get hurt here'

Yeah, but didn't he have a remedy?

I think his remedy, keeping in tune with my war analogy, was let's stop fighting and do each other up the arse.

No? He wasn't a puff.

Yeah, completely and utterly shooting in the wrong goal. Why do you think he had that beard. It gave Engels something to cling on to.

I'll tell you who else is gay, C3-P...

C3-P0, yes I know.

But R2-D2 doesn't want to know.

DAVID'S mobile phone rings. He answers it.

But that's not too assume that R2-D2 isn't AC-DC, because it's a well known fact that he fancies the pants of both Princess Lea and that furry one.

That was Colin. He's at Pollock's with Kirsty.

INT./DR TORY'S SURGERY/NIGHT

DR TORY is packing up for the night. He looks at his watch, and picks up the phone.

Hello, is that Dr Goldwin. James Terry here. I don't suppose there's any chance you can do a locum for met his weekend. Yes, something has come up. Yes, okay four hundred quid.

He hangs up.

Mercenary bastard.

DR TORY leaves his office, and passes his secretary, GRACE.

Grace, if anybody wants me this weekend, tell them to fuck off.

What, literary?

No, not literary. Piss off should be fine.

INT./POLLOCK'S ROOM/NIGHT

KIRSTY is seated on the bed. STEVE on the floor, DAVID at the desk and POLLOCK in an armchair. STEVE is reading a pornographic magazine. COLIN is circling the room, drinking from a can of lager.

Right. I'm sorry for the short notice, but it is imperative that we take quick action. First off, are we all still in the pact? Because this information is classified.

Cool ; classified. On a need to know basis.

Clotman sit down. You're being too melodramatic.

COLIN looks around.

Er, there're no seats.

There's room next to Kirsty.

POLLOCK shakes his head at DAVID.

I don't think there's enough room.

Come on, there's enough room for your ego next to me.

Excellent, brilliant. Subversive humour. I didn't think you had it in you, girl.

COLIN sits next to KIRSTY, turns to face her and smiles. KIRSTY slaps COLIN.

Pay attention

As you know I've been doing work in developing countries for the charity Food Aid. I've been going all over the place : Peru, Paraguay, The Sudan and especially Thailand.

You get a lot of whores there.

Yeah. Are they good?

I heard that your old girlfriend Vicky was a whore these days.

People!

What happened to Vicky?

She's in Manchester.

If we can get back to the main subject. I was in Thailand recently…

Here I bet those whores aren't as good as Holly Herby?

We were doing charity work in Thailand ; campaigning for the release of prisoners, the abolishment of slavery, child workers, and prostitution.

You bloody hypocrite.

The prostitutes in Thailand can be as young as eleven years old. Anyway I didn't come to you guys to moan about the third world problems. You all know my political opinions, you all know values and my beliefs...

Yeah, and we all know they're bollocks.

The thing is by travelling back and forth from Thailand to London one can discover many fruitful fringe benefits. Financially rewarding ones too. Hence my car, Versace jacket and cosmetically corrected face. You soon will be able to share such material pleasures.

Now, this is more like it.

The agreement we signed states that unless two people veto, the scheme, which could be anything, becomes operational.

I'm in. Providing the profit margin is bigger than a obese hump back whale.

Well, I am about to put forth a proposal. I intend that in the very near future we activate the pact of eighty-eight.

FADE OUT

INT./POLLOCK'S ROOM/DAY

KIRSTY is asleep in the bed, and COLIN on the floor. DAVID is at the desk going through a briefcase.

The time is seven o'clock, and you're tuned into Radio Cambridge.

MUSIC: Dion - Runaround Sue

COLIN wakes up, and looks at KIRSTY.

I never did make it that far with you.

A bit like the way you never learnt what the taboo subjects in life are.

I do. Sex, money and going to the toilet. Which are, coincidentally, also the best things in life. Well two of them are.

Yeah, sex gets a bit boring after a while.

That's pretty good for you Dave. Where are the other two?

DAVID points to the window. COLIN climbs over KIRSTY to look out. STEVE and POLLOCK are picking up individual pieces of gravel on the drive.

What are they doing? Have they lost something.

Steve reckons that there are twenty thousand pieces of gravel, and Leech reckons that there are forty thousand.

So they're counting them?

Yeah. They've got a bet on.

How much?

Just a quid.

EXT./DRIVEWAY/DAY

POLLOCK and STEVE are still counting. The others are ready to go.

Come on. We've got things to get.

Shut up! I don't want to loose count.

I didn't occur to you to count a small area and multiply that total by the number of similar sizes areas on the drive.

That would be an inaccurate method of counting.

Accurate enough. Within ten thousand I'm sure.

It's still not fair. Now will you shut up.

Let's have a go in your motor then. A right little fanny-magnet.

No way. You're not even insured.

Yeah, shut up and give us the keys.

INT./DAVID'S CAR/DAY

COLIN is driving. DAVID is in the passenger seat. KIRSTY, POLLOCK and STEVE are in the back.

So are you sure you can't come with us Dave?

It's essential that I set up the accounts in Chichester.

You know how to do that discreetly?

I'm an accountant by trade.

You always said you would be.

Why Chichester? Isn't it a shitty little town near Bognor Regis?

You've got that the wrong way round. First off I live there, secondly it's the ideal place to carry out stage two.

Quiet is it?

Like a dead cat.

COLIN laughs alone.

Okay, stop here.

COLIN pulls over, and the car screeches to a halt by the pavement. The three in the back are thrown into the front seats.

Good brakes.

KIRSTY gets out the car.

Meet us at Dr Tory's at five PM.

KIRSTY nods, and the car drives off.

INT./ARMOURY SHOP/DAY

To the concern of the owner, STEVE and POLLOCK are playing around with the guns.

You going to buy them mate?

Yeah, but do you have any smaller ones?

We don't want bullets in them.

They only fire pellets.

We just want the guns really.

I see, you want something that looks good?

Yeah, they're for my little brother. He's having a party.

How about this little beauty?

The OWNER produces a realistic looking handgun.

Nice. How much?

Eighty quid.

Do we get a reduction if we buy in bulk?

You can have ten for five hundred, if you pay in cash.

You're on.

Have you got a carrier bag?

INT./CLOTHES SHOP/DAY

KIRSTY arrives at the checkout with several clothes, and six balaclavas. The ASSISTANT checks everything out.

Going to commit a robbery are we love?

Something like that.

INT./DR TORY'S OFFICE/DAY

DR TORY is strolling up and down his office. KIRSTY, COLIN, POLLOCK and STEVE are scattered around the room. STEVE is playing with the skeleton. COLIN is reading a poster on the wall about drugs.

What about the security cameras? The rule is for every one you spot there are five others watching you.

That's simple. We spot less of them.

Security cameras aren't a problem. Hopefully there won't be any, but if there are we're wearing balaclavas. You won't be near enough to been seen anyway.

And of course it won't be us who executes the physical interception.

Well, who does?

We don't know. Somebody David has hired.

EXT.-INT./THE LONDON DOCKLANDS APARTMENT/NIGHT

DR TORY'S Jaguar pulls up besides an attractive riverside apartment. DR TORY, COLIN, POLLOCK, STEVE and KIRSTY get out.

You're getting the lump on the way back.

Shut up Pollock. I thought you liked lumps up your arse.

Best put it in the garage, Dr Terry.

Don't worry Kirsty. It will be over in the morning.

It's a big gamble.

That's the fun of it.

Are we staying here? I wonder if it's got Sky.

COLIN opens the door, and they enter the building. They look around, and soon find a plush lounge.

It's rather an early start. Four thirty to be precise.

Why four thirty?

That's when the transaction takes place. It's nothing to do with us.

So David Tremore has set this ambush up? I thought he was...

A Christian. Yeah, he works for some charity abroad, but has started to pilfer drugs from Thailand.

He steals drugs?

He's like Robin Hood. He steals from the rich and gives to the poor ; he just takes a certain commission.

But Robin Hood stole gold and bread, not smack and whiz.

Oh come on, just because he's religious doesn't stop him dealing in drugs.

Yeah even Jesus had the odd joint. Well he would have, if it had been invented. Or discovered.

POLLOCK holds up body armour.

What are these boxes full of Police body armour for?

COLIN picks up a document from the table.

It's in German. Kirsty, can you?

KIRSTY pauses, as she deciphers the document.

These are the instructions for a dishwasher.

Are you sure? You sure they aren't metaphoric?

I don't think so.

POLLOCK takes another paper from the box.

No, these are what the interceptors wear. They are arriving at four to get set up. David makes it clear that the interceptors should not be told what they are doing. Their job is purely to get the cats and dogs into the van.

And where's this van?

INT./GARAGE/NIGHT

The garage lights flicker on to reveal an armoured police van standing in the garage.

Do you get the feeling that David knows a bent copper?

Shit, this is going to be fun!

Okay let's get back indoors and go through the procedure.

INT./APARTMENT LOUNGE/NIGHT

COLIN, KIRSTY, DR TORY, STEVE and POLLOCK are seated round a table. COLIN is finalising the plan, there is a small flip-chart next to him, with a simple map drawn on. The others are paying attention.

The interceptors arrive at four. We kit them up and then they move towards the warehouse, behind our van

Where's the warehouse?

It's literally round the corner. The instant they enter the warehouse we break through the main entrance in the van. David says the door's rotten and should break easily.

It had better. Who's driving?

Pollock. If that's okay?

Yeah, that's fine.

What happens once the van is inside?

Right. This is where it gets good. There should only be about two dogs and two cats. There will be three interceptors posed as armed officers. As soon as the dogs and cats hands are in the air the interceptors will bang on the van door. That is when we open the van door from the inside.

When it is imperative that we have our masks on.

I'll take the furthest, then Steve takes the next furthest. Kirsty and Pollock get the other two. The interceptors will practically push them into the van, so this shouldn't be too hard. It is essential that you get your man handcuffed to the rail in the van as quickly as possible. Hold the gun firmly to their head, shout a lot of nonsense and make sure they have their hands on their head.

It sounds okay.

It is the surprise, and the brief moment of panic, which gives us a chance to secure them in the van. Kirsty, it is your job, and yours alone, to find two brief-cases.

KIRSTY nods.

He says once we have them all chained up we get out of the van, lock it up. Tell the interceptors to fuck off and then get round the back. On no circumstances should the interceptors know our names. A getaway car will be found round the back of the warehouse. Pollock drives us from there to The Light Railway Station ; where Dr Tory will be waiting. We then drive to a reservoir on the outskirts. We dump the getaway car and get in Dr Tory's car, which we drive to Chichester, where David is waiting for the next stage. A significantly easier stage. We should be in Chichester before breakfast.

They won't know what's hit them.

I'm just curious who these 'interceptors' are.

INT./LOCAL PUB/NIGHT

MUSIC: Brian Poole and the Tremeloes - Do you love me?

A small birthday party is taking place. People are dancing, laughing, drinking and cheering. POLICE OFFICER #1 (FEMALE) and POLICE OFFICER #2 (MALE) discreetly enter the room.

Do we have a James Ridley here?

There is silence. A few people shake their heads.

Yeah, there's the birthday boy.

There are sighs and moans, as the MAN points out JAMES RIDLEY'S whereabouts. The POLICE OFFICERS walk over to the man. The music is turned off.

Are you James Ridley? (JAMES RIDLEY NODS) Well James Ridley. We'd like to have a word with you. We'd like to wish you a very happy birthday.

POLICE OFFICER #1 throws off her hat. The music comes back on, and phoney POLICE OFFICE #1 begins a strip dance.

EXT./VAN OUTSIDE/NIGHT

The phoney POLICE OFFICERS are undressing by their van. The van reads 'PRACTICAL JOKES - STRIPPERS, PRANKS AND PARTIES 0171 5139122'. The two OFFICERS are accompanied by a third (male) Joker.

So what else have we got this evening?

Nothing until four o'clock. Then we've got some prank down in the docklands.

Why so early?

This bloke bootlegs beer from Calais. The ship doesn't arrive in Dover until two am. He stashes it in the warehouse and flogs it to all the local pubs. His mate, who hired us, just wants us to put the shits up him.

Pretend we're pigs on a raid?

That's it.

Will they need a stripper?

I don't know ; we'll have to check.

INT./APARTMENT LOUNGE/NIGHT

KIRSTY and COLIN are having a conversation alone. COLIN is stretched out on the sofa, and KIRSTY on the armchair. They are sharing a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

I'm glad you're doing this Kirsty.

Why's that?

Because however much I pretend, I still like you. I still fancy the pants off you.

You have a way with words Colin.

I didn't think you'd do this. Because of the high risk factor.

We are a bit out of our league. But I prefer it that way.

The funny thing is we're being so amoral, and not giving a shit. We deserve to die.

I think we're be okay. Pollock's smart enough, Steve can bluff his way in anything, and you know how to remain calm and think quickly.

Except with you.

You're doing it okay now.

Yeah.

So is there anyone in your life?

No. Just me.

Not even on the back burner?

You might find something in the freezer ; but nothing very tasty or nutritious. How about you?

There might be.

No, then. Anyway you don't need friends in life when you've got this.

COLIN holds the bottle up.

Yeah, but you do need your liver. And you will need your head tomorrow. I'm off to bed, coming?

No, but thanks for the offer.

Very good.

I'll only be tired if I get up early in the morning. I think I'm going to watch this documentary on rocks.

Okay, see you tomorrow.

KIRSTY is about to leave

Oh Kirsty. If we get through this we'll go for dinner at the Cafe Royal okay. Just me and you.

Is that a question?

No, but it's not an order either.

There is a shot of a geological documentary on the television. The image gradually fades out. There is a pause, and then a knocking sound.

COLIN wakes up on the settee, and looks to the clock. It reads just past four.

Oh god.

COLIN gets off the sofa. There is another knock.

Alright, I'm coming.

COLIN opens the door to three Police Officers (JOKERS #1,#2 and #3)

Morning sir, is this your house?

Well sort of. Are you here for a job?

You could say that. We're here to ask you a few questions.

We haven't hired you then?

No sir, we're the police. We'd like to ask you a few questions.

You mean you're real pigs?

No, but we can't resist that little joke.

Very funny. Come in.

COLIN shows them through to the lounge. He shouts up the stairs.

Get up!

Were we good then sir?

Get the RP and you'll be perfect.

RP?

Tone down your accent.

I see.

Also we want this to look as good as possible. How much are we paying you?

Two hundred.

Well there's an extra two hundred if you change into this gear for this.

COLIN puts the box of armoured gear down. DR TORY passes by.

Morning!

DR TORY covers his face with his jacket, and runs out the front door.

And I'll make that five hundred if you wave these around.

COLIN holds up a gun. JOKER #2 flinches.

They're not real.

Will you need a stripper?

Probably not.

So it's a simple case of (HE PICKS UP A GUN) 'Freeze-this is a raid. Put your hands in the air and get against the wall'.

'This is a Police raid. Place your hands on your head and move slowly towards the van.' We've borrowed a Police Van you see.

Once you've done that, whack the van door, I'll open it from the inside and load them up. When they're all in shut it and go home. You can keep the toy guns and fancy dress for another job.

Cheers.

COLIN throws down a wad of notes.

Here's five hundred. Whatever you do, don't fuck up.

EXT./DOCKLANDS STREET/DAY(DAWN)

There is a beautiful sunrise. A few birds can be heard in the Thames. The POLICE VAN slowly appears at the end of the street. It is followed by the three JOKERS, armed and on foot.

MUSIC: Queen - Under Pressure

Number eight A, number eight A.

There is a shot of the numbers going by. POLLOCK thinks he sees 'eight A' and slams the brakes on. JOKER #3 does not notice, and runs into the back of the van.

Oh no, that's six.

The van continues. JOKER #3 gets up, shakes himself and continues.

There it is.

The van turns towards the warehouse, leaving the road.

I've always wanted to do this.

INT./INSIDE WAREHOUSE 8a/DAY

Four professional-looking men (referred to as DOG #1, DOG #2, CAT #1 and CAT #2) are shaking hands. They stand over two brief cases. The warehouse is particularly large.

Same time, same place?

Yeah sure. Hey, what's that noise?

What noise?

If this is a set up, your head is coming off!

These aren't our boys.

The POLICE VAN smashes through the door at a considerable speed. The CATS and DOGS stare in amazement as it continues to pass them, towards the back of the warehouse. A quick shot inside the van shows KIRSTY, COLIN and STEVE being shaken around. A shot of POLLOCK in the front indicates he is having trouble braking.

Whoa! Shit!

The three JOKERS appear through the dust surrounding the entrance, with guns drawn.

Freeze Police! Get your hands up!

I don't see any beer.

The CATS and DOGS do not comply.

Get those hands up you sons of bitches!

Yeah, this is a raid.

DOG #2 casually produces a handgun.

Inside the van, STEVE is trying to listen through the door.

How's it going?

I think it's going okay.

Keep listening for that knock.

This is going to be fun.

Outside the van the JOKERS are treading water.

We have reason to believe you're illegally importing beer.

Yeah, your mate Keith Spoon told us.

I don't know anyone called Keith Spoon.

Oh. (PAUSE) Do you? (TO DOG #2)

DOG #2 shakes his head. As do CAT #1 and CAT #2.

Oh shit. I had a feeling five hundred quid was a little dear.

Shall I show them my tits?

POLLOCK has crept up behind the CATS/DOGS

Do what they say! Put your hands up!

The CATS/DOGS turn round and face POLLOCK. The JOKERS see their chance and flee. The CATS/DOGS open fire on POLLOCK.

Fuck me! Careful!

POLLOCK escapes through a back door. DOG #1 gestures for DOG #2 to follow him. In the van, the others have heard the gunshots.

Oh dear. That wasn't in the plan.

The cats and dogs have shot the interceptors.

Are you sure?

The interceptors don't have bullets.

Yes, a lack of bullets does tend to lengthen your odds in a gun fight.

Pollock! What's happening? Pollock?

COLIN pulls the partition down. The cabin is empty.

He's run away.

Shouldn't that be 'ran away'? It's past not perfect tense.

It's not important now.

COLIN looks at KIRSTY

Well? What do we do? What about Pollock?

We'll have to meet him later at the station. Our main priority is getting out of this van alive.

Shit! Shit! And I've got an essay to do.

What would Luke Skywalker do in a situation like this?

He'd use the force.

Unfortunately George Lucas didn't think to include details of that formula in either three of his motion pictures.

We need to divert attention for our escape.

COLIN points to a canister under the seat.

The canister. Please tell me it's petrol.

STEVE goes over to the canister. He opens it, sniffs and smiles.

Put the siren on.

Outside the CATS/DOGS are nearing the van. They jump back as the siren comes on. The back door opens a jar, and liquid pours out.

What's that?

CAT #1 touches and smells the liquid.

Get back! It's petrol.

Inside the van, the barrel is emptied.

Lighter?

No one smokes.

Shit!

We're too health consciences for our own good.

The dashboard.

STEVE rushes to the blackboard, and collects the lighter.

Okay. I've never done this before, but I believe it's quite dangerous.

COLIN turns round. STEVE and KIRSTY are already by the side door.

The van explodes, as KIRSTY, STEVE and COLIN jump out the side. The CATS/DOG #1 watch the van explode from safety.

Which way?

Through this back door.

EXT./WAREHOUSE/DAY

KIRSTY, COLIN and STEVE run across a backyard.

Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.

What is it Steve?

I thought David was meant to get us a big fast car. This is a fucking joke.

Shot of a yellow Mini-Metro

Okay, let's not get worked up. Let's not panic. Here are the keys.

COLIN throws STEVE the keys. STEVE tries to unlock the door.

The fucking keys don't even work.

Just slow down. It's the red one.

Fuck it. Stand back

STEVE throws a punch at the car window. It has no effect. He screams, and recoils in pain. COLIN goes round to help.

Yeah, good one Steve. Pass us the keys.

KIRSTY screams and points. COLIN looks up to see DOG #2 return, armed with a base-ball bat, about to hit STEVE. COLIN takes the bat in his left hand, and strikes the man with his right. The man falls to the ground. STEVE, not noticing the man, takes the bat.

Cheers Colin. That's perfect.

STEVE smashes the window with the bat, unlocks and opens the door.

Well, what do you know. It wasn't even locked in the first place.

KIRSTY recovers from the shock, and gets in the back. COLIN looks blank.

Get in! Get in! What's the matter Clotman?

I haven't hit anybody in years. Not for..........Come to think of it Steve, I've never hit anybody before.

Never mind, you can see a shrink about it later.

COLIN gets in the car looking confused. STEVE gets in the front. The CATS and DOG#1 leave the building, guns drawn and looking for intruders.

I've never hit anyone before.

MUSIC: Lou Reed - Walk on the Wild side

COLIN and KIRSTY look each other in the eye. STEVE looks in his rear mirror, and sees KIRSTY and COLIN in foreground, and the DOG/CATS in the background.

Okay, let's go.

STEVE starts the engine, and changes seat position.

D treble S, M. Doors, Seat position, Steering position, Seat-belts. What does M stand for? Never mind Steve, get to F for fucking go.

There is a shot of the CATS/DOGS noticing the car, as it begins to accelerate. STEVE looks in his right mirror, as they take aim.

Oh, they've got guns.

The mirror cracks.

Real ones too. What do you think of that?

STEVE turns round to the KIRSTY and COLIN, who are passionately kissing in the back.

Well, that's nice isn't it.

The back windscreen smashes. COLIN looks up.

Fuck me! They shot us.

Cool!

But I bet your knowledge of mathematics, angles ; parabolas, trajectories and all that, can't help you find the bullet.

This is great. It's so exciting.

This is not great. It sucks. They want to kill us. That is never good.

Yeah, Steve but there's no need to get worked up.

I'd of thought that now was a pretty ideal time to get worked up, and a pretty shitty time to get back together with Kirsty.

Fear is nothing but a signal ; it has no purpose or use. It is merely a distracter. Remaining calm allows you to operate at your optimum level of both strength and intelligence.

KIRSTY sighs and relaxes in COLIN'S arms.

I have no fear.

Look they've gone now. See there was no need to panic.

EXT./TRAIN LEVEL-CROSSING/DAY

An OLD LADY stands next to a level crossing, she looks shocked. A little dog is running around the area with a lead in it's mouth. The shot focuses in on a slumped body.

The yellow Mini-Metro pulls up next to the crossing. COLIN and STEVE rush out to the level-crossing.

No! No! What's happened?

It's a body.

COLIN looks at the body. He turn the head ; it is POLLOCK.

Oh god.

COLIN falls to his knees. KIRSTY nears the scene.

What is it?

COLIN sobs. STEVE embraces KIRSTY, who is sobbing too.

Oh god.

They've shot him dead.

The dog is sniffing POLLOCK'S corpse.

Did you know him?

Yeah, he's our friend. Steve, tie that dog up somewhere.

A train passes by. There is a long silent shot.

What happened?

I don't really know. I was just walking along, when I spotted a strange shape.

Did you see anyone else?

No. There's usually no-one around this early.

It begins to spit rain. DR TORY pulls up in his Jaguar.

Well? Have you got the money? What's the matter? What's happened? Somebody say something.

Pollock's dead.

DR TORY sees the body. He sighs.

No he's not. I can see him breathing from here.

DR TORY goes and checks the pulse.

Colin, give us a hand lifting him up.

Are you serious? He's alive.

No, he's dead.

No, he's just fainted. Didn't any of you think to check the pulse?

KIRSTY turns to the OLD LADY.

Silly people. Fiffi come here!

What about the blood?

He must have hit his head on the floor.

Are you saying he got shit-scared and passed out?

That's right, probably shock. Now to more important things ; the money.

DR TORY puts POLLOCK down.

I've got to have a word with you about that.

COLIN and DR TORY leave the sleeping POLLOCK. STEVE leaves him as well. KIRSTY struggles to pick him up alone.

I say, have any of you seen Fiffi, my dog?

The level-crossing barriers come down and a hanging dog is lowered into shot.

INT./DR TORY'S CAR/DAY

DR TORY is driving, COLIN is in the front. POLLOCK is resting on KIRSTY'S lap, and STEVE is leaning on the window, watching the country go by. POLLOCK wakes up.

Good afternoon Pollock.

These bright sparks thought you'd been shot.

It feels like I have. I can't remember a thing.

Well as you haven't been shot, would you mind getting off my lap.

POLLOCK sits up

What happened?

You fainted.

Someone hit me with a gun. I think. Did you get the money?

Did we fuck.

EXT./CHICHESTER HOTEL CAR PARK/DAY

The Jaguar pulls in to a hotel car park. DR TORY, COLIN, STEVE, KIRSTY and POLLOCK get out. POLLOCK is still a little dazed. DAVID runs out to meet them. There is tension in the air, COLIN attempts to break it.

Hi David. So how long have you lived here?

Since I left school, I did a HND at the local college.

Why are we staying in a hotel?

Just to make sure we can't possibly be traced to an address.

We don't need tracing, because we haven't got anything.

Alright, you gave me my bollocking over the phone. Those guys were meant to be realistic, the best. But stupid enough not to suspect foul play.

They were a little too stupid.

INT./CHICHESTER CATHEDRAL/DAY

MUSIC : Mozart - The Chorus from the Marriage of Figgaro.

KIRSTY and COLIN are looking round the cathedral. KIRSTY reads from a guide book.

The cathedral, which has burnt down twice, is most notable for it's separate bell tower. It is also the resting place of Holst.

Really? Let's find him.

COLIN rushes up to the nearest tombstone, and examines it.

No.

COLIN inspects another tomb.

No. Christ, this could take forever.

You shouldn't blaspheme in a cathedral. Soak up the architecture, the windows and the culture.

Yeah, yeah I'm doing that, but I want to find the remains of Gustov.

Don't you think it's sick being surrounded by all these dead bodies. They're even under the floor tiles.

Yeah, but it would be so cool to open them up. I mean this one is six hundred years old.

Don't be sick.

What do you think dead bodies are for if they aren't for digging up hundreds or thousands of years later.

The idea of rotting repulses me.

What should we do with dead bodies then?

Blow them up.

Damn, you're good.

They embrace and kiss, leaning on the font. Passers-by give a casual glance.

INT./PARK/NIGHT

FX MUSIC: Bob Dylan - Like a Woman

STEVE, DAVID, POLLOCK, COLIN, KIRSTY and DR TORY are seated round a campfire, with a few beers.

I can't believe you fainted Pollock. There was this dog being hung, if we hadn't been so preoccupied we could have at least tried to get it down.

Or laughed.

Do you remember that time Shortarse smashed the chair over your head? That was how it felt.

Why do you call him Shortarse? He was six foot.

Because his name was Shorthouse.

Being hit over the head with a chair was bloody humiliating. I'd of thought being knocked out by a gun was relatively street cred. And if someone is waving a gun at you, just being hit by it must be a bloody relief.

It hurt more than getting shot.

No F equals MA and all that crap, a smaller area, greater pressure. A bullet would have bloody killed you.

Maybe, but it hurt. Just like when Shortarse got you.

It was on the night that David first got laid.

Steve!

DAVID starts laughing

Holly Herby.

I think we've heard this one before.

You did glow for about a month afterwards.

The thing I didn't tell you was that I was a bag of nerves at the time. I didn't know what to do, what to say or where to put anything. But then like that(CLICKS FINGER) it happened. I was given a spiritual birth of confidence, and everything seemed to fall into place.

You certainly surprised us with her. She was a real cracker.

She was a sign of good things to come.

That's modest.

I was owed it. All of a sudden accountancy wasn't enough. I wanted action and adventure.

A lion-tamer perchance?

COLIN and STEVE laugh.

Well, where do we go from here?

There is no reply.

I'm sorry it didn't work guys.

Well, it was a jolly good laugh none the less.

I've got to siphon the python.

DAVID leaves the group.

Well fun as the day may have been, I have wasted a lot of petrol, aided and abetted a crime, had the upholstery ruined in my Jaguar and don't have a monkey's bollock to show for it. And where are we now? Chichester. I mean where the hell is Chichester?

We've still got the sun, the moon and the stars. And each other.

Very quaint indeed. But your socialist utopia is vastly different to mine. One that I could have realised today.

On the contrary. There's only one thing I hate more than a socialist, and that's a rich socialist. So why would I agree to do this in first place, if I thought life was all about the basics and sharing. However saying that, you can fuck me backwards if anything beats a free drink under the stars on a warm summers night.

Your Disney style philosophy is all good and proper, but it's not going to get us out of this situation. You know David, you've studied psychology, so tell me why did he pick a bunch of half-wits?

I would have thought that was obvious.

I beg your pardon?

Basically our problem revolves around the fact that the person watering the Begonias over there is not David Tremore.

That is complete and utter bollocks!

Have I ever told you, you say bollocks' too often?

No I don't.

Yeah you do.

Never mind that. Why isn't he David?

Does he look or act like the David you knew?

Just because he wears designer jackets and not designer acne does not mean he is a different person. It means that he has grown up ; the hormone-man has paid a late visit.

Well why didn't David come on the job with us? Why doesn't he talk as much as used to? And why did he initially disagree to me driving his car?

He was setting up the retailer down here. Come on you've got to trust your friends.

But not if he isn't my friend. Because if he isn't my friend I can't trust him.

Colin, I respect you etcetera, but I really do think you're off the trail.

No hear him out.

David never really went all the way with Holly Herby.

How do you know?

He told me. Holly Herby was a thief and a prostitute. I'd heard about her before. Good looking alright, but a right little femme-fatale. His recollection just then was far too similar to the original story. The one he used time and time again to brag to his classmates. Perhaps we suspected at the time he didn't give her multiple orgasms, but now we should be sure of it. Because he'd almost certainly confirm it. With hindsight he would have learnt to lie much more convincingly, especially with such a shift in image. Either that or he would have told the truth, in order to highlight, and justify the sheer contrast of his personality change. This is where he's given it away ; there were two things we remembered David for : firstly being sad, and secondly against all odds, pulling Holly. It was so unlike his sad self it stood out. So he shouldn't have talked about it. If it were the real David he would tells us now that it was a two minute wonder. He's acting. And acting the 17 year old Dav